I was watching a TED talk by Ze Frank about his various projects full of wonderfulness. He told the story of his Chillout song.
I knew all about this project long ago, and I’ve heard it before… but this time it sounded different. I can’t say exactly how, but I have new ears. It’s all much more powerful. Much more meaningful.
Ze told the story of how this project came about, and how he put all the pieces together. He closed by letting the song play in it’s entirety.
It started and my heart warmed. It rolled a bit more and my emotions started welling up… and at the 31 second mark I just totally lost it. Standing alone in my kitchen, half a cheese sandwich in hand, I balled my big baby brown eyes out. A big sloppy cry that would make Oprah blush. I could feel every emotion and moment of my life weighing on me, and it just came out.
There has been so much loss, so much hurt, and so much worry. It’s just so heavy.
That little flicker of a heart beat went out. Why?
I’m devastated that our little peanut didn’t get to join us in life, but more so that my poor Janey has been so smothered by the loss. If only I could do the hurting instead of her. There’s already enough for her to worry about. Why this?
My efforts are feeble. Just shots in the dark hoping something will help. What kind of a man can’t bring comfort to his wife?
It’s just so heavy.
My sister Jackie is gone. Just gone, and I miss her so much. I wish there was some way for her to know how much I love her. For me to tell her again. To just make absolutely sure she knows.
I want to scoop up her kids and make sure they know how much their mom loved them. To make sure they feel the warmth and love I know she would want them to feel. But somehow I can’t keep my own life together enough to offer help.
It’s all just so heavy.
You’ll be fine.
Everybody likes to say that “each day it will get easier”. Well, what the hell man? When does that start? I’m dealing with it. I’m doing my best to make it work, but it sure as hell hasn’t gotten any easier. I’m tired. I’m just so tired of trying to make it work.
It’s all just so damned heavy.
To cap it off, I’m ashamed to have all these feelings. Sure, this stuff is hard to deal with, but it isn’t the hardest thing a person has handled. It seems silly for me to have such a hard time making things work when people, the world over, make better decisions in much worse situations.
A few years ago it wasn’t hard to get me to spout my mantra “Life’s just not that serious”. Somewhere deep down, maybe deeper than I’d like to admit, I know that’s still true. But even so, life sure does feel heavy sometimes.
So, here it is. I’m breathing, Ze, I’m breathing. I’ve had a good reality check tonight, and a big sloppy embarrassing cry right there in the middle of the kitchen. And after the cry…. just breathing. Quiet contemplative breathing.
A moment to myself to readjust. To simplify. To make sure I have my feet under me.
Tomorrow will be better.
Hey, you’re OK. You’ll be fine. Just breathe.