I think it best to simply quote him:
Although you did not include it, I just wanted to remind you of that time we both took a [bowel movement] at that super fancy restroom in Chicago (I remember we purposely found a high end retailer for these purposes), and that guy was…
…I better take over here… You see I was sitting in my stall just completing the business at hand, when I heard a commotion coming from another stall. I assumed it was Fred being stupid. But when we met up at the sinks following our respective business, the noise was still going on. At this point it was clear that some fellow (who had occupied the stall between Fred and I) must have found a shopping jackpot in this department store. It was so exciting for him that he just couldn’t wait to get somewhere private and celebrate. This is undeniably on the list of things NOT to do in a public restroom.
Given the currently dismal state of most public restrooms (at least in the united states) that I observed on a recent road trip, i am saddened but I have to write this. these are things you should have learned in kindergarten for pete’s sake, people! or at the very latest by first or second grade. and even if you didn’t, a lot of these tips are just plain common sense.
For starters, respect the bathroom. i can guarantee you that as soon as you are done using that gas station facility, there will be another person that will need to use it. i’m sure that at your home, it’s perfectly natural to pee all over the floor and leave a freshly steaming pile over in the corner by the trash can, but in a public restroom these acts are generally frowned upon.
While occupying the commode, only take and put to use the amount of toilet tissue that you require. yes, we all know how fun it is to strip the entire roll down to the tube, wad it all up into a big ball, and then use the tube as a telescope from atop your floating toilet paper pirate ship, but save it for someplace else; one not used by the general public.
Bathroom walls are walls; not internet pages or college ruled letter. it’s tempting to doodle or write your ex’s phone number on the brick, but this only makes a mess for some poor janitor to suffer removing. this also extends to writing one’s name using their own bodily waste on any surface of the bathroom; something that though may be highly regarded as ingeniously humorous to any average jr high student, is not as such by the rest of the matured adult population.
When the woefully inadequate plumbing backs up and spills onto the floor of the facility, do you:
A) Inform the person responsible for maintaining the restroom?
B) Dance about in the knee-deep sludge like a frog?
C) Sneak silently from the area and then laugh maniacally once you are several miles away?
if you answered “b” or “c,” do not pass go. and you certainly may not collect two hundred dollars.
true or false?
The floor of a bathroom is the correct location for any refuse items you have accumulated during your road trip.
i really, really hope you said “false”…
At the end of your restroom experience, it is typically considered both sanitary and extremely polite to apply a lather of detergent to your hands, and then drying them thoroughly after completely rinsing off any remaining cleanser. Especially if you happen to work in the food industry and are using the restroom during work hours. For the love of god, please.
Essentially, treat any public restroom the same as you would your own chambers, unless of course you act in the same retarded and un-sanitary manner at your home, in which case, remind me not to visit you …ever.