alright alright… So I know it’s been forever since a good blog entry showed up here. I know that my last post was a half-ass’d-phone-it-in effort (but it was pretty funny right?). So, I’m going to make it up to you dear readers. Because today was a hell of a day.

Let’s start this story by stating one fact. I’ve had a pretty damned good health care package with Disney for some time. I’ve got health, optical, dental, mental wellness, group legal, and every other sort of coverage you might imagine. I even think there is something about “…dismemberment while in the workplace” that has always made me chuckle a little bit. Every time I read it I think of walking by a printer in the office when the paper tray suddenly ejects with such a force as to sever the leg closest to it. I guess something strange could happen when I’m out in the theme parks, it’s just always more fun to think of mundane office equipment attacking it’s operator.

So I’ve always understood that my company offers quite a good healthcare package. It should! I have a good chunk of my paycheck deducted for it every week. This in mind though, you may find my actual usage of those benefits strange. I just don’t use them. Since having all the wonderful coverage I could wish for I have made exactly one visit to an optometrist, one phone call to the group legal folks, and (as of today) one visit to the dentist.

This is where we could break of into a big fat conversation about why I don’t use all the services I’m paying for… but I’m going to stop you right there. The reason I pay for the insurance is simply the peace of mind the comes with it. I don’t feel the need to use all my alloted points, dollars, visits, calls, and such in my given calendar year. What I pay for is the knowledge that when it is time for a man in a white coat to tell me with a furled brow “your octopflopiatal lobe has absessed causing disseminated fibrilation of your fantoids” that all the emergency surgery and sponge baths while I eat mashed up popsicles in a cup are paid for. And until my fantoids start to hurt, I really see no reason to bother my white coated friends. So lets just move right on shall we?

The first 8 hours of the day were nothing out of the ordinary. I put in my hours at work getting ready for a few big events. All prep sort of stuff. Calls, emails, that sort of thing. There was the briefest moment of the day where I think I dosed off in front of my computer, but I’m sure thats just because I was reading the latest something-something our ever-in-touch-with-the-worker human resources department put out. The work day was normal.

Around 3:00 it was time to pick Janey up and embark on a new adventure that, though I would never admit this to Janey, I was a little nervous for. We were indeed on our way to my first dentist visit in my recent memory. My last trip to the DDS must have been over 5 years ago and that one ended up in a root canal. terrible terrible stuff. If it was permissible by society for a fat man to break into tears wincing from pain inflicted by an endodontist intern I believe I would have. But I digress.

Our trip took us to a charming town (read: a little scary) where the dentist we were referred to had a shop behind the gas station in a strip mall with the mexican food place and the dry cleaners. And as we strode up to the door I was heartened to read the sign advertising that my dentist also provides Notary Public services. DAMN, and I left all my legal documents at home! How convenient to get a filling and have a statement notarized all in a lunch hour.

I make fun, but I was actually a little scared. I must be a dentist snob because when I visit a dental office there are certain things I just expect to see. Ficus trees in the waiting room, nice but uncomfortable furniture, a stack of magazines that don’t interest me, and of course a fish tank. This waiting room contained canvas chairs that long should have been replaced, a small magazine stand, a TV on a stand, and a box fan from wal-mart. Despite my reservations I decided to swallow my pride and just let it all happen.

I’m going to fast forward through the mundane parts of the visit and just hit some of the highlights:

The assistant was a little strange and sort of reminded me of a mousey girl that I went to elementary school with. She took my ex-rays and talked a little bit. I’m not sure what she was saying, but I think it had something to do with “cleaning the…”, and thats about all I picked up.

While waiting for the dentist (which seemed to be a very long time as dentists go) I started playing with some of the tools that dangled from various pneumatic arms around my chair. Including, but not limited to: 1) that wonderful dentist light that makes great patterns on the wall when reflected off my Mickey Mouse watch 2) that gun-shaped metal thing with a button for air and water. The air doesn’t come out at a very high pressure, but the water will make it all the way out into the hallway. 3) the spitty sink water button the turns on the little water spout. Unfortunately it seems the drain was clogged and I was forced to find help when the sink nearly overflowed. and finally 4) the latex gloves. There will never be a day in my life that I won’t enjoy using a latex glove as a balloon.

The dentist checked me over and found ZERO cavities!!! can you believe that? I couldn’t. The only work I had to have done was a cleaning and replace a metal filling that I’ve had since before I remember (I guess it was leaking or something).

The sonic cleaning pick thing that she used was obviously invented by the devil himself to inflict the maximum amount of pain possible while performing run-of-the-mill tasks. That bitch hurt.

And so… I think that about sums it up.

I happy to be done with the dentist for another 5 or 6 years (just kidding). But I will try and update the blog more.

See you next time.